did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Randomize
