i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize