Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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