did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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