i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
