I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Randomize
