I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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