Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
