Where are you?
In a non slutty way
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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