Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
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