apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
