Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
