Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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