Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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