They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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