i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
false alarm, still single
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