He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You're like the curious george of whores
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
