New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
