i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
