Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
