in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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