How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
