As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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