He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
