when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
