I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
