My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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