the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
