This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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