I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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