I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
