God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
