She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
