Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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