hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
