you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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