We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'm bleeding and have questions
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
