Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
