I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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