Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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