wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
