I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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