So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
