: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
