I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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