Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
