Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Randomize
