I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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