you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
...so i touched it.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
