She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize