Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
