Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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