Betty ford says i'm here all night
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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