Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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