John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
