Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
