I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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