When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
