My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
